We all know what getting to first base means, and I hope we all know what counts as a home run, but those second and third base definitions can get kind of. A few weeks back, we helped a reader who wasn't sure about having the exclusive talk Chelsea Handler Reacts to Old-Fashioned Dating Advice. You don't use "hit" with "bases," but you can use the baseball terms Some people only consider French kissing as getting to first base. He explains this by saying "That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple. First base is equivilent to french kissing, not just kissing. Top definition while her parents are out next week, mabye we can get to second!.
If you're already comfortable with this, ignore my advice! There is no magical set of rules. Either I like someone enough to be intimate and have sex or I don't: Why make out with somebody you know wants to bone and then leave them hanging? It's not fair to them, it wastes my time, and the only thing you get out of it is unnecessary drama. Or if you're really lucky, date rape and stalkers. Movie nights are for real friends, not hey-let-me-get-you-alone-in-the-dark "friends". Hell, I stopped going on coffee dates with people I'm not interested in when it's clear they're only asking because they want more later.
The sooner you're upfront about your intentions, the better off everyone will be. If you don't want to go "all the way" ugheither make that clear with your actions -- keep all your clothes on -- or your words: Depends what's already been done in the course of dating. I think that early in dating, I would interpret a request for "a quiet night in" like this as a desire for a step up in intimacy- from square one to kissing, from kissing to full-on feely-up makeouts, or from full-on makeouts to intercourse.
So if you invite someone in after a date or over for a movie date, but then turn around and say in a vampy-finger pointed way "But don't get the wrong idea!
If not, it will just come off as strange. I've had someone say back "don't think you are" and then I immediately wanted them more. If you want to enjoy some clothes off time without "sex" you can also say after some making out something like ok this is awkward"I'm not interested in taking it too far tonight. Can you handle it? I'm usually way more saucier but you get the idea.
Sometimes it can just be as simple as "I like you but there isn't going to be sex for awhile until I get to know you better. And if he isn't he'll disappear and he isn't the right guy for you. If the person physically moves it forward, you decline, and he tries again, then immediately end the night. I've been on first dates that ended up in the bedroom, and I've dated guys for months without more than a few goodnight kisses.
Things happened once I felt comfortable enough to want them to happen. Of course, for me, a lot depends on how well I know a person.
Sleeping together after the first date isn't going to happen with some guy who I met online, but is likely to happen with someone I've been friendly acquaintances with for a few months. So I don't really have a timeline, it mostly depends on when I feel I can trust them, and when I feel comfortable taking things into the realm of physical.
In your case, I would be straightforward about being new to the dating scene. If you want to "take it slow" let them know what that means to you needing time to get comfortable, a certain number of dates before you think you're ready, or "I'll tell you when I'm ready to move forward" Keep in mind, this makes you responsible for making the first move when you're sure its what you want to do. I come from a sex-positive background with a ton of sexual assault support workers and sex educators as friends, so I am particularly sensitive to signs of disinterest and boundaries being reached.
I am completely ok with "no" meaning stop right now. I don't think this is the norm for straight men. As far as bases go: I don't even know what those are. I tend to find myself in situations where we have some kind of sexual activity manual, oral, penetration; any of these counts or none at all well kissing yes but that's less sexualthere's no halfway point.
There's no "ok let's just take our tops off and nothing else", if that's what you were asking. Expect is the wrong word Makeout time, assuming signals about this were given prior.
Baseball metaphors for sex - Wikipedia
Anything more than that is a bonus. This discussion should happen before any clothes are removed. I don't think this through that much. There's nonverbal body language like the way her head tilts when our faces are close to each other, how her breathing changes, etc. Anything more than kissing usually gets a "is this ok? Generally if the clothes come off, that's a signal to touch what has been shown. If she pushes my hands away, I check her expression and try to figure out if she's fighting for fun this usually means she's smirking or if she's upset.
If the expression is hard to read, I ask. If you don't want to use those parts sexually, either discuss it or leave those clothes on. Again, I am incredibly atypical compared to the usual straight man. It's ok if these boundaries then change but at least give your partner a starting point. Be honest and straightforward. Its amazing the species reproduces.
My advice is be aware--everyone and every pairing is different. A mindful approach, focusing on the situation, rather than a checklist is great. Answering for myself, definitely not. Consent and trust are sexy to play around with, but not on the first date. But from talking with friends of both genders, I think it is pretty clear that a lot of people don't see it that way at all. People sometimes put up fake resistance expecting it to be violated, and people someones expect that resistance is fake and can be ignored.
Personally I think that is a crappy way to interact and a recipe for disaster, but the reality is that you can't take it as a given that the guy you are making out with will react the way you expect or hope if you want to put the brakes on suddenly. If a girl invites me up, I'd hope that we were going to have sex, and would think of it as a reasonable possibility, but if it was just drinks and a bit of making out I certainly wouldn't complain.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being clear about your intentions. I've had girls say anything from the fact that they like taking things slow to just outright saying that they're not going to sleep with me that night, and in none of those situations did I ever consider it a negative thing.
Putting them on the same page as you in as clear a way as possible is a good thing. I tend to wait for the signs either to be incredibly clear and obvious, however if I ever feel a slight bit of resistance when taking it to another level i. As previously stated, if she's indicated that, I know where the line is and I don't cross it. I've had a girl stop me at one point, but then guide my hand to do the same thing later on that same night when things have progressed further.
It varies, depending on you, the other person, the moment, the mood and many other unforeseeable and often barely-tangible factors. The bottom line is relax and go with the flow. If you feel hesitant and in need of boundaries or more time, behave accordingly. If you feel mad for it and it's reciprocated, dive in.
I mean, why not? Now, that said, boundaries on both sides have to be respected, without exception. An expression of reluctance or resistance should always be taken at face value.
Besides, do you really want to push sex on someone who may not be sufficiently into it, or you? I would hope not. If you respect all wishes, whether sincere or not, your partner will know exactly where they stand with you. This would never be acceptable. This would be assault.
If she pushed me away, I would treat that in the most direct, face-value way and back off, probably with an apology. She's saying no, she doesn't want that.
This sort of thing shouldn't even be a source of doubt. And no, that absolutely does not entitle me to try and refuse your resistance -- It does make me pretty inclined to ignore your phone call the next day because I don't want to be dating someone with the sexual maturity of a year-old.
I am a year-old man, I do not want to do the same things I did in high school. I am not really that excited about touching your boobs as an end in itself. Actually, I'm married, so it's fairly moot for me, but if I wasn't, I'd want to date someone that treats sex in a bit more adult manner.
My wife and I did not have sex on the first date, but we did have sex the first time we started undressing around each other. For the record, in terms of my question 4, I've experienced several variations. One was with a guy who seemed to very clearly respect that I didn't want to go too far. He constantly checked in and I found that comforting. On the other hand he eventually stripped to boxers and invited me to take my jeans off a couple times.
I still feel like he was a really stand up guy, but now in hindsight wonder if he was actually trying to get further than I had thought. Another time what with was a guy who I told very explicitly that we weren't going to have sex. He verbally acknowledged and said he thought it was too soon as well. However soon after he took my bra off and then later tried to get my underwear off more than once despite a very hard shove at his arm.
At the time I felt he was definitely aggressive but I didn't have enough of a frame of reference to really know. I don't think I felt violated, and if I have to be honest it made me feel very desired.
Baseball metaphors for sex
I wondered if that level of slight aggressiveness was the norm. The last guy was an acquaintance I brought home after a party. He unzipped my dress, I zipped it back up. He later tried to go up my dress and push my legs apart. After a few rounds of resistance on this same action I started telling him to stop.
It took a good 10 seconds or so for him to finally stop and get up. This time I knew right away that it wasn't right. That said, I didn't want to make a scene so it took a while to get him out of my apartment. It sounds like generally people think that at least the second two incidents violate a standard code of conduct.
But if it's really that egregious then it's happening to me repeatedly so I feel like I need to take some responsibility for it. I'm trying to understand what I did that may have led him to think I was giving the green light.
Again, this has all been very helpful. There are guys out there who will push through, whether verbally or physically, or who will act all hard done by if things get all het up and then you put the brakes on.
There's also guys out there who will move things on faster than you're comfortable with, until you're stuck in a situation you didn't mean to be in and you're somehow feeling guilty about the idea of saying "no thanks". It doesn't take someone malicious, just someone clueless or bad at reading signals and used to people who move quickly.
So, if you're not really really confident with being assertive and clear with people, I think it's wise to try not to be alone in a private place with a guy unless either you're happy that you'd have sex with him, or you've discussed explicitly what you're up for and you trust him to stick to that.
Either way, if you find yourself feeling pressured to do something you don't want, exit stage left as fast as possible. Break up the situation immediately and move back to somewhere that's not private or you're not alone. I don't think it is at all safe to assume there is any universal consensus on this or that people's reactions and behaviors can be easily predicted.
And there is endless room for nuance and miscommunication. Does pushing someone's hand away mean "not tonight," or "not this moment, but please try again in a few minutes"? I don't think you are going to find general rules or clarity, or any easy way to avoid negotiating things anew each time. I expect that being-invited-up means she wants to move from conversation to more physical things.
What that means depends how far we got physically outside. I try not to assume much. I've been slowed or stopped while kissing, various stages of undress, various stages of sex, etc. It's called "listening to feedback". Sex should feel good. When you're beyond your natural pace it feels bad, so you give feedback to get that corrected.
Many people wonder when the best time is to start being sexually intimate in a relationship. The answer is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates to a few months after beginning to spend time together.
- Science says couples in lasting relationships typically wait this long to start having sex
When is the optimal time to start being sexually intimate in a relationship? Ad The answer, like many relationships, is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates in to a few months after dating. One of the reasons it's so hard to determine the best time in a relationship to have sex is because there hasn't been a lot of research tackling that specific question. Plus, the studies have been conducted on very specific samples: Few studies have taken a look at the health of a relationship as it relates to when the couple first had sex.
And what's out there is somewhat conflicting. What we know about commitment and sex In the early s, Illinois State University communications professor Sandra Metts did a study to find out if having an emotional connection - in particular saying "I love you" before having sex - could have a positive impact on the where the relationship went.
Her study of almost college-aged men and women found that it indeed did. In fact, Metts found, couples that had sex first and said "I love you" after had a negative experience: The introduction of that conversation was often awkward and apologetic.
That emotional connection is one of the key elements of any relationship, Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist from the Washington, DC, area, told Business Insider in Having a good level of communication and an understanding of where the relationship is headed also helps make sure the experience is positive, she said, referring to her professional experience working with single men and women working toward successful relationships.