What to Do If You Are a Birth Mother and Do Not Want to Be Found | WeHaveKids
The reasons I don't have any will to meet the ones who made me. I think one of the reasons I was always so quick with my “No, I don't need to meet my birth mother” response was to avoid hurting my mother. She is a nice person as far as I know, but my children do not want to your biological child, her adoptive mother took on that responsibility.
It was a legitimate grip as the sister had bad mouthed her behind this moms back and created unneeded stress with the adoptee. However, aside from that and despite that this mother never expected to, nor looked forward to the day that her lost child found her, she rose to the occasion.
Rather, I see her of a perfect example of how the current legislation is not needed.
Why I Don't Want to Meet My Birth Mother- the Lala
Birth Mother Number 2: I took out some unneeded details and identifying information. Of course, my Mother knew I had given a child up and had always been concerned and she basically made me talk with this child ……I tried to explain my situation and she just never let go…she would call my Mother to get to me. I finally gave in to my Mother and met with her and I had a son that did not know about her and other family members did not know…I had to tell all of them after 35 years!
I have tried to contact this child a few times since Mother passed and she will not respond. I think this mom wrote me thinking I would be a sympathetic ear, but all I could do was feel for her poor daughter and imagine how sad it was for her to find a welcome like this at the end of a search. What I Would Like to Say to The Rejecting Mothers These are the two mothers that have contacted me, but again, I hear from so many adoptees who are at a loss with their own families.
Mothers who keep the adoptee secret from their siblings or turn the kids against each other. For the mothers that are making their adopted children do some weird ass dance where you control the knowledge of their existence and keep trying to deny the reality of their humanity, this is for you. People, even separated by adoption, do have the right to contact anyone they so choose.
Now, maybe you were lead to believe otherwise.
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- I'm adopted, and my birth mother won't see me. Now I'm angry
We know for a fact that many of the things said by adoption professionals are wrong. You survived, and that is nothing to sneeze at, but now it is time to test yourself again.
They might have told you that you would never hear from your child again, but adoption agencies have been known to disregard the power of mother child bonding. It matters a whole lot.
So second, both adoptees and birth families, including mothers, fathers and siblings, search all the time and have for decades. Now, with DNA and social media and computers and search angels, people find faster than ever. Even the adoption agencies could not have foreseen the rapid rise in technology to warn you that this would be coming. There is no confidentiality anymore in adoption and pretty much anyone can be found.
Yes, a right, I said that. No adoptee should not have to be a banned as a dirty little secret their whole life. No matter what, you are still a mother to this real live person. This person was created by you, of your blood, of your cells, of the very air you breathed, of the food you ate.
This person, this human, is the results of the thousands of years of DNA flowing down through you and into them.
Paper cannot break this connection, no matter what the intentions of circumstances. The cells of her body still swim in your veins.
This is your child. Dig deep within yourself and find that love, find that compassion, find that caring. Yes, we are their mothers. You are still the only person in this universe that created this human who dares to want to talk to you. You have a moral responsibility to BE there for your adoptee. Mothers DO for our children. We sacrifice our own feelings and desires. You signed away your legal rights, but you still have a moral and human responsibility to the person you created.
I know what you went though was horrible and traumatic and for that I am truly sorry. They were not there to serve you anyway and they are certainly not serving your child well now. They wanted you to keep quiet to protect their own interests and you are now only serving the masters that oppressed you to begin with. You are protecting the very people that caused this pain to begin with.
Get OUT of the adoption closet. You are not alone anymore. No one is really going to think less of you. Have the decency to, at least, confirm their story and let them know they can stop searching. So many adoptees have spent years, decades even, searching for their families.
I promise it will NOT kill you to answer them and say that yes, you are their mother. You gave birth to them. This adoptee IS your tiny baby.
Give them the truth so they can have a small bit of piece. It really will not hurt you and it will mean so very much to them. I believe that every adoptee has the right to access their birth families. Maybe you feel you did your part by suffering through the pregnancy and giving birth. Maybe you feel that life alone was payment enough, but I will disagree with you.
You own them answers to their questions and you own them the chance to at least once, see you in the flesh. Let them look into your eyes. Let them hear your voice. That's a real Pandora's box you've prised open. Not that anyone would blame you for acting on your impulses.
Why I have never felt the need to find my birth mother
Plenty of adopted children, no matter how happily raised, find themselves compelled to uncover the secret of their biological roots in later years. I certainly understand the desire to discover "who you really are" in adulthood, but I'm not convinced that tracing your bloodline is the key, or that finding "home" is an ambition unique to those not raised by their birth parents.
To be asking big questions about your place on the planet is natural as you reach your half century. You are at the perfect age to become preoccupied with such matters and you are hungry for tangible answers to what are really more existential questions.
In terms of seismic life changes our 50s are rivalled only by our teens for the emotional turbulence taking place. Seeking your birthparents, questioning your sexuality, discarding long-term relationships and changing career direction are all common and offer pertinent examples of how what's happening in your body is echoed in your head as you hit real middle age. We may have more money, leisure time and even wisdom than we did earlier, but the desire to tether yourself to something solid also becomes pervasive.
I suspect there are many answers to why you started seeking your mother in earnest and not all of them will be connected to your early abandonment. It may be useful to bear in mind that while many adopted children are eager to trace their parents, there are even more of the population, who grew up with theirs, trying to create serious distance from them. Parents are rarely the answer to our dreams, or even a feature of them — they're useful in childhood and an annoying nuisance when we're grown up.
As a parent myself, it's a realisation I've come to with extreme reluctance but serious conviction. Your mother's response to your unsolicited contact may surprise some readers and horrify others, but it really just confirms that she may have had profound reasons for giving you up.
Without answers you are naturally making presumptions about the circumstances of your adoption.
There's no convincing evidence that your mother married your natural father — in fact, I'm tempted to argue the opposite. It's equally possible that she found herself pregnant and was forced to choose between being an unmarried mother or her now husband's bride.Anusja - Finding my birth mother
It won't have been an easy choice 50 years ago and I've no doubt it continues to haunt her, but that doesn't mean she feels able to confront or reveal her secret. You may be the surviving evidence of a long buried and, to her mind, shameful affair which would explain why she was less than delighted to hear from you.
There is certainly no moral blueprint for the conundrum you find yourself in. You have every right to push for acceptance but no right, I'm afraid, to demand it. Instead of getting angry and frustrated you should first reconcile yourself to what it is you are really looking for? Your mother, naturally, but also perhaps a place to feel accepted and belong? Despite romantic indoctrination it's unlikely that any person, let alone one with whom you share no history, only biological matter, can singlehandedly satisfy such an ambition.